The level of irony is too high.
Sometimes things just don’t go the way that you expect them to and other times you can’t help but just shake your head and laugh. This meeting was apparently put in place to help a community decide how they would handle threats within their schools. Someone decided to be a jerk and call in a fake bomb threat, thus derailing the meeting and sending everyone home. Fortunately it was just a joke and nobody got hurt.
The level of irony is too high
Come on now, really?
Some writers want to be wise guys when they write and others just take potshots as many times as possible. Mr. David Sapsted decided to take a few low blows in his article regarding a dwarf suing a grocery store. Now, we’re sure the holiday gift baskets around the office are great and all, but if Sapsted wants to keep the hate mail from overflowing he might want to have an editor go over his headlines.
Come on now, really?
This is why we can’t have nice things.
If you want to get an idea as to how the government works in a nutshell then this headline should sum it all up. Lane County apparently is short on cash for any number of reasons, probably the most telling of which is their hilarious lack of perspective. Oh, you’re out of money? You don’t say. Cutting a quarter million dollar check to talk about your lack of cash makes as much sense as going on a weight loss diet to gain weight. Who are we kidding here?
This is why we can’t have nice things
We have no words.
Sometimes you see a headline that just stuns you. Usually the headline is stunning because it is visceral and striking and it teaches you a little bit. This headline proudly proclaims that Princess Diana was alive before she was dead. Yes, you read that right. This newspaper exclusive, in all caps lock mind you, apparently had to share this stunning scoop. Just pass us one of those chocolate gift baskets Mr. Sapsted, we want to eat ourselves into a coma.
We have no words.
That would be why we call them ‘deaf people’.
Kellie Nguyen wins the award for best intentions meets worst output. Apparently a group of deaf individuals were being defrauded by a company. Ms. Nguyen apparently warned said individuals but they “didn’t listen”. Phrasing, lady, work on your phrasing!
That would be why we call them ‘deaf people’.
Editor, report to Mr. Martin please.
Councilwoman Laura Chick has legitimate sexism problems with her coworkers at City Hall. Journalist Hugo Martin apparently has legitimate problems crafting a non-problematic headline. While he’s technically correct in using her last name, the context makes it just a tad bit off.
Editor, report to Mr. Martin please
You don’t say!
We’ve always wondered why there aren’t very many low cost health insurance options but then we started reading headlines like this. Apparently everyone who reads this headline bangs their head on the desk in absolute embarrassment, thus driving up the cost of individual health insurance. Mr. Hansen, you’re telling us that bugs flying with wings are actually flying bugs? Someone call the White House!
You don’t say!
You had one job.
Prisons can do all sorts of things for their ‘guests’ but we’re pretty sure that keeping ’em locked up is the primary focus. If you live anywhere near a prison then headlines like this might make you just a tad bit uneasy. Why the heck would they ever put easy-open locks in the first place?
You had one job.
“A” for effort?
Nah, DUI for failure. Mr. David Zurfluh apparently found what he thought was the easiest way to beat a breathalyzer: eating his own underwear. Now we’re not convinced that the eating of the underwear actually helped because he probably was under the legal limit anyway. Still, he was acquitted so some idiot is going to try it again.
“A” for effort?
You can’t make this stuff up.
Do you hear that noise? That is the sound of millions of people falling out of their deskchairs in amazement. Somehow this attorney managed to sue himself. It’s a pretty risky gamble, but we’ll see how it turns out. Or not, nobody who sues themselves should be allowed to administer legal aid. Still, we’d like to see those court proceedings.
You can’t make this stuff up.
I’ll give you two guesses.
When you go on a weight loss program and lose weight, you tend to know why you lost the weight. There is something called cause and effect. Now, this city doesn’t understand why their sewer smells. What could be the cause of this effect? We’ll give you two stinky guesses.
I’ll give you two guesses.
Best of the best.
In a stunning revelation our nation’s top federal agents raided a gun shop in Tulsa. The undercover agents who committed the raid, in a stunning turn of events, uncovered weapons there! You should have seen the shock on their faces. Wait, oh what’s that? Gun shops sell weapons? This is just, in fact, a terrible headline? Got it.
Best of the best
Watch your back, sis.
When you save someone’s life you pretty much are setting yourself up for a life long karma train. If anyone gets upset at you all you need to do is say, “I’m a hero” and they legitimately can’t do anything else. This little kid, just 8 years old, is playing his hand a little too early.
Watch your back, sis
Lord, send me strength.
In a stunning revelation this newspaper revealed that earthquakes cause damage by shaking the ground. We’ll have more on this insightful story at 11. Wait, no we won’t. That’s what earthquakes do.
Lord, send me strength.
Mississippi ranked last in national education list.
Related to this headline there was a recent report showing that Mississippi students ranked dead last out of all 50 states in terms of their education scores. Who works at newspapers in Mississippi? Those same students once they graduate. This headline says it all.
Mississippi ranked last in national education list
They forgot to hire a sketch artist.
When police officers work with excellent sketch artists to recreate suspects from detail the effects can be pretty darn amazing. When the police pull up sketches like this “composite” we’re pretty sure it is because someone dropped the ball. Did they just forget to hire the sketch artist? Was the sketch artist also the criminal, in which case he or she wanted to hide their features? We aren’t sure but this is hilarious.
They forgot to hire a sketch artist.
We can’t.
If you want to see what the lack of perspective looks like then just check out this headline. Mayor Parris forgets the fundamental aspect of being homeless: lacking a home with which to go to. So, in all sincerity the Mayor tells those same homeless individuals to, guess what, go home. We’re not sure how that’s gonna work out, man.
We can’t.
You don’t say.
As it turns out, when your attorney is killed you get to have a new one — even if you were the one who did the killing. This sure presents an interesting quandary for the new attorney. Just how hard are you going to fight for your client? We’d guess not very hard.
You don’t say
Somebody is getting fired.
On the plus side at least the Australian Army knows that their camouflage is top notch. On the downside they lost an expensive vehicle and likely are going to have to fire someone. Oh well, if you were at fault for this snafu we suggest hiding under some cammo of your own — then they can never fire you.
Somebody is getting fired
